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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 21, 2013 1:35am-2:06am PDT

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replace the controversial mahmoud ahmadinejad. >> the new president of iran will be hassan rouhani. >> this is a candidate who has come in and injected some optimism and hope. >> he spoke of reform. >> and he promised greater personal freedoms. >> stephen: yes, iran has elected a moderate, which means instead of calling for israelis to be driven into the sea, they'll be nudged into a lake. sounds refreshing. how u.s. relations with the new iranian leaders will play out only time will tell, folks, but the bigger story is that after eight years, we're finally saying good-bye to president mahmoud ahma-na-naaa-na-na-na-naaa-hey-e yyy-nejaad. mahmoud, of course, is known for a number of questionable choices, threatening to wipe israel off the map, denying the holocaust happened, and most
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offensively, never wearing a tie with a suit. evidently, they don't have father's day over there. of course, my rivalry with mahmoud goes all the way back to 2006 when i was promised the cover of "newsweek" magazine and the axis of stubble oa over here got wind of that so he starts developing nukes just to get himself on the cover and push me up to the golden corner. point-- mahmoud. but seven years later, mahmoud's gone, "newsweek's" gone, and look who's still here. folks, i'd say i won history. of course, there is one thing i will miss, never knowing how to pronounce his last name.
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ahma...mah...-- jimmy, just role the tape-ejad. president-- oh, boy, let's see if i can get this right. ah-ma-nininini-jihad. help me. help me get my mouth around this crazy name. ahma-ollyollyoxenfree-nijad. ah-ma-wejustwonanemmy-ijad. ahmad-in-space-no-one-can-hear-y ahmad-in-space-no-one-can-hear-y ou-scream-ijad. ah-i-heart-new-york-ejad. ach-maaa-we-come-from-the-land-o ach-maaa-we-come-from-the-land-o f-the-ice-and-snow-ijad. i'm just glad rouhani is so much easier to say than ahmadinejad. wait! i just did it! come back, mahmoud! oh, well. oh, well. it's too late now. now that this atrocity is history, i will just do what he will do, and deny he ever happened. nation, you know i am a longtime
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fan of iowa congressman and man trying to forget what he buried in that cornfield, steve king, because time and again, representative king has stood up to the "let's not abuse animals" lobby. over the years hes come out in favor of dog fighting, sponsored a farm bill amendment to legalize arsenic in chicken feed and vote against evacuating pets from disaster areas. hey, dogs are safe in a tornado as slong as they chase their tails in the opposite direction of the wind tunnel. it can't suck them up. that's science. well, now, representative king is fighting back against a california law that pampers our poll tree with spacious new digs. >> when iowa lawmakers wants to federalize an override of california law written by the animal rights lobby that dictates how america raises livestock. >> the humane society helped
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pass a law tripling the size of cages for egg-laying hens, not just for california but any producer that sold eggs in the golden state. >> it was a mistake for california to do what it did. we can't impose that mistake on the rest of america. >> stephen: damn straight. this is just another case of the left wing loons in california imposing their deviant values on the heartland. i bet those california chickens don't even have to be married before they have an egg. and where, where on earth are farmers in steve king's home state of iowa supposed to put these larger cages. i'm sorry, but iowa is already filled to the brim with empty. ( laughter ) well, folks, just-- and i want you to listen, i want you to listen to the details of this insane law. it mandates that chicken cages be a paleaceous 200 square inches. i mean, just look at this egg mcmansion. this is a chicken xanadu.
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it's way bigger than the cages keep my interns in. by the way, by the the way, they have yet to produce a single egg. i don't know what the problem is. maybe i'm not feeding them enough arsenic. and with 200 pure chicken inches of luxury, these birds can do the unthinkable-- turn around. now, how am i supposed to make sure they're paying attention to me when i give them their prelaying pep talk. all right, listen up, ladies. today is the day. no one phone it in. i'm looking for jumbos. so grit your beaks, pick a spot on the wall. i want to you bear down. i want to squat out an egg so massive you're going to need a goddamn epidural. remember, a.b.c.-- always be
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chickens. let's do this thing. come on! hands in for prayer. later, we do trust falls over a deep fat friar. but, folks, this cage law, this cage law here could lead to something even worse than undisciplined chickens. >> farmers nationwide fear precedent. >> if one state can tell them how to raise chickens, what's next? free-range cows and pigs? >> stephen: i mean, animals able to move their limbs? where does the madness end? the next thing you know, prigz required to glimpse the sky before death. and after that, it's a short leap for cows not being fed their ground up parents. it's political correctness gone wild. i can tell you're upset, too. steve king and i know we shouldn't be making these cages bigger. if anything, we can go smaller. i mean, just do however they
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raise those boneless chickens. i mean, you can just defoot them and make them live in a paper towel tube. see? see? what's that? what's that? he's perfectly happy in here, aren't you? aren't you, baby? all right, and then when you want a nice, fresh egg, just squeeze and there you go. nice work shirley. nice work. now it's feeding time. there you go. all right. all right, very good. she's having fun, okay. and it's totally-- it's totally humane. see, she's free range. look at her go. look at that. look at that. look at that. put that back up there. congressman pass a law mandating my new tube cages.
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we can call it "chicken a la king." we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much, folks. nation if you wiewch this sho you know i'm always looking out for america's women. they're juggling so much these days-- family, work, and so many different brands of yogurt. i can't even remember which one makes jamie lee curtis poop. and with all that pressure, i'm not surprised so many women have a drinking problem. specifically, drinking the wrong brand of bottled water. that's about to end, folks. check out this exciting product launch choreographed by the folks at nestle.
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that has got to be the most moving bottled water theme theatrical performance since the 16-ounce d.a. won the tony for its heartbreaking portrayal of willie loman. and it's all thanks to resource water, an exciting new interpretation of two hydrogen and one oxygen atoms, aimed at stylish higher income women. because you don't want to be caught in the hamptons drinking last year's water. and resource water is more than just refreshment, ladies. it will help you attain total electroenlightenment upon i
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would never drink resource water because i'm a dude. i only drink water meant for guys. that's called beer. but as a businessman, i do love all these innovations in bottled warrant marketing. anything to keep americans from drinking the commie water flowing out of their communal tap. because i say it's a slippery slope from group drinking water to group showering. not in my life, buddy. no, resource water is just the latest member of the nestle family of implasticized water along with arrowhead, deer park, ice mountain acqua panna, acqua panna, and zephyr hills. naming all those waters made me thirsty. i could go for a poland springs. and poland spring. folks, with these products nestle is hoping to corner the demographic that marketers
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crave-- carbon-based life forms aged zero to anything. it's all part of the vision of nestle chairman of the board, peter brabeck. here he is explaining why our most priceless resource could use a price tag. >> ( translated ): water is, of course, the most important raw material we have today in the world. it's a question of whether we should privatize the normal water supply for the population and there are two different opinions on the matter. the one opinion, which i think is extreme, as a human being, you should have a right to water. that's an extreme solution. personally, i believe it's better to give a foodstuff a value so we're all aware it has its price. >> stephen: there is no more comforting spokesperson than a calculating german speaking man outlining his plan to control the world's water supply. and he's right.
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ladies and gentlemen, a lot of german fans here tonight. and he's right. without putting a price on it, how would we know we need water. death? so keep up the good work, nestle. at this rate, there won't be any body of water you can't put a price on, at least the ones that aren't already chock full of your plastic bottles. we'll be right back.
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welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight isoon acclaimed tv writer and director who has moved on to shakespeare. they always end up selling out for the big bucks. please welcome joss whedon. thanks for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: nice to meet you. i'm a big fan of your work. >> as am i-- of yours. i'm a fan of your work. >> stephen: oh, i'm a fan of my work as well. wonderful. now, joss-- not josh. >> two ss. >> stephen: why did you drop the h. what kind of name is joss? >> well, it's sort of a bastardized chinese word meaning luck. if you read james clavell it is.
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>> i read sshould, ogun but that's japanese. >> tipan. >> stephen: i don't read chinese. what was your name before it was joss. >> it was joseph or joe or joey, which is why i changed. >> stephen: okay, can i call you joey? >> no. >> stephen: all right, let's move on. you know, you are the emmy winning film and tv creator producer, director, writer, composer-- composure? >> yes, of this movie. >> stephen: your work includes buff, and the avengers. the new film is "much ado about nothing." why, if you're the super big blockbuster director of the avengers, billion-dollar movie at least, right, at least. okay? just nod or something. >> yes 1.5 if we're going to be technical. >> stephen: you didn't want to brag. $1.5 billion. that was $500 million shy, and
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you were kind of insulted. why do you go slumming with the shakespeare now? >> well, because it's something i love very much because shakespeare is something that i and all the actors in the movie, it's what we grew up with. it's what we studied. >> stephen: it's old, though. it's old. >> stephen: so am i. >> stephen: you're not 400 years old. you could write something better than shakespeare, right? >> oh, totally. >> stephen: you wrote the avengers, right? you got that thoare, in there, he throws in those thus and thous. what is it about shakespeare you like is there i can never understand what they're saying. >> hopefully if you see "much ado about nothing," you will understand what they're saying. the stuff they're talking about is very human, very much what we're going through now as modern people. it's about our identities as men and women and it's meaty for an actor. >> stephen: what do you mean by identity. men are men and women are women.
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what do you mean by identity. >> there is the character of beatrice and benedict who are the sort of warring couple who eventually become lovers and beatrice is very critical of the way society is run. >> stephen: is it a "will they or won't they "kind of thing. >> it's the original will they or won't they. >> stephen: it sounds like a buffy angel kind of thing? >> i think that's what he was going for. >> stephen: let's take a look at this film here, jimmy. >> but are you sure benedict loves beatrice entirely. so says the prince. i persuaded them, if they loved benedict to wish him affection. >> why did you so. does not the gentleman deserve
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as full and fortunate a bed as beatrice. >> i know he deserves as much, but nature never framed a woman's heart of prouder stuff than that of beatrice. >> stephen: i noticed something-- a, i noticed two things there. one is that-- i understand what they were saying, which was shocking to me. and, second, that's not in the globe theater. where are you shooting that. >> oh, that was in my house. >> stephen: the whole thing is a tax dodge? what do-- why are you shooting-- judgey are you shooting in your house? >> i did start a microbudget studio with my wife to make lower budget movies so they could do whatever i wanted. >> stephen: what microbudget? >> microbudget-- there's low budget and then there's micro. it's the least you can make a movie for, basically. no, i'm not going to give you a number. >> stephen: all right, fine, not $1.5 billion. >> not even 1 billion.
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>> stephen: why would you let anyone shoot in your house. you know what crews can do to a house. how much dunkin' donuts was ground into your living room rug by the time this was over? >> we couldn't afford dunkin'. >> stephen: america runs on dunkin'. so what kind of house are we talking here? nice place? >> yeah, it's lovely. my wife is an architect. she actually designed it. >> stephen: what happens in avengers 2? i'm sorry, i just have to get to that. >> it seems like a natural segue. >> stephen: i just gotta ask, what happens in avengers two. is stony stark in that that? in "iron man three "he takes out thing in his chest and that powers the suit. how can he be in avengers 2. >> they just replaced it. it's elsewhere. i can't give it all away, but he's still got it. >> stephen: so he's has an atomic ass. well, are you going to do more of this microbudget stuff.
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if you had your druthers what would be the next thing you would do that is not the biggest budget movie all time. >> i'd like to do a ballet. >> stephen: honest to pete. have you thought of a salute to women's water bottles. joss, thank you so much for joining me. joss whedon. the movie is "much ado about nothing." it's a big deal about something.
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good
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(water sloshing) (gasps and coughs) (eerie whispering) oh! ow! (screaming) help! help! am i dead? (distorted southern male voice): you're not dead. you've been taken against your will. kobe? who is that? (electrical crackling) dr. phil? what the hell's going on? i don't know. i was doing a show on teens with abandonment issues... and suddenly, i woke up here. man, those kids are gonna be pissed. (static crackles) male voice: hello, gentlemen. you don't know me, but i know you.
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you both play games with other people for a living... but, today, you play a game for your lives. right now, you are both breathing in a deadly nerve gas. you have 120 seconds to reach the antidote... or you die. oh, my god! we better get out of here! let the game begin. (static crackles) there! hit the metal arm with something. there. (gasps, grunts) damn it! sorry. shaquille, i'm not angry at you... but we are one minute away from death. just shut out the "no" voice. own your success.